When I was in junior high and high school, I was often tardy to school in the morning. It was probably the most consistent thing about me when I was a young student—my attention and effort certainly were not. I never intentionally skipped school, but my tardiness did put me face to face many times with my very stern housemaster, Mr. Lemire, got me assigned my very own truancy officer, and even landed me in a boardroom-style conference table meeting with a handful of very serious looking people in the Essex County courthouse.
Sound like overkill for a quiet and mild-mannered 12-year-old with absolutely no record of any other kind of misconduct? Yeah, it did to me, too. If only I’d told them this story, the one about how in 1939 George Dantzig proved two previously unproven statistical theorems because he was tardy to class and mistook them for a homework assignment.
Tardiness, it seems, is a distinctly American concept. That isn’t to say that other cultures don’t have a notion of tardiness, but, due to our country’s history of competition and deeply-rooted belief in upward mobility, punctuality has become very important to us as a society:
It’s no longer just fast food restaurants and “democracy” that the United States is exporting—it’s also our anxiety about time. From how business is conducted to the fight to slow the aging process, our unhealthy attitudes are becoming the common thread that ties our flattening world together. [...]
Americans have always been a work-focused people. And despite the fact that this stresses us out immensely (Americans report feeling more stressed than citizens of other nations, and we also suffer from more heart disease and other stress-related health problems than others), we report feeling happiest when at work. In fact, if we had more free time, surveys suggest that the majority of us would fill it with more work.
I’m currently in the midst of a rigorous job search that has slowed down some since I moved to the DC area. Admittedly, I tend to be a fairly lazy person by nature; working has not been my strongest suit. I’ve been loving my little post-grad vacation and I’d be perfectly happy to be a stay at home boyfriend (as my last boss suggested I do). But the honest truth is that I’m overwhelmed by not only guilt but also a certain kind of I guess what you’d call greed. I have bills to pay, yes, but also stuff I want to buy. Nothing important. Just stuff. It’s not only me, though. Here in the “first world” we all feel these guilts and desires, whether we have a sense of self-loathing about it or not. Both the guilt and the greed are, I surmise, distinctly part of a collective American consciousness of which, good or bad, I find I am a part. And to tame the guilt and greed associated with needing money, we’re forced to work and, therefore, forced to be punctual.
But I digress. A useful question to ask, I think, is, now that I’m no longer tardy all the time, had I been a more punctual person as a young student, would I have given my studies more attention? And would that have gotten me into a better university? Would that then have made my current job search that much shorter? Or, more to the point, is it even possible to be balanced enough to feel relaxed, but also be punctual and get a lot of work done?
Hipster Cutoff
eHow has an article that will tell you exactly how to dress like a hipster. As someone who straddles the line between hipsterdom and… uh, whatever isn’t called “hipster” these days, I feel I’m pretty qualified to help you understand the article a little more deeply. Let’s begin:
You see, nobody shops at vintage stores except for people who want to look “hip”. The fact of the matter is, the whole myth of people being homeless and not having enough money to shop at higher-end retailers is just that—a myth. They don’t exist. And there are especially no broke hipsters. At least not in a country like America, where everyone is wealthy. Therefore, the appearance of frugality is clearly a fashion statement. Also, there’s no actual thrill in finding something awesome that’s only $1.50. The only thrill is in being able to tell your friends that you got that old dress or cardigan for $1.50, and revel in the knowledge that you got the only one available.
You know what’s really cool? Being emaciated. It’s true. Eating disorders are in this season. There aren’t any hipsters that wish they could gain weight either, that aren’t happy that they don’t seem to put on any weight no matter how much they eat. Not one. And so they get thinner and thinner so they can fit into ever tighter pants. Fun fact: wearing black pants was highly unfashionable until hipsters decided it was cool. It’s true! Ask your parents!
Most people don’t know this, but the Smurfs and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been around for decades. Why don’t most people know this, you ask? They weren’t popular! You probably didn’t even know about them until you read this article. Both shows only became well known when companies like Urban Outfitters started putting them on tee shirts. It was only then that childrens’ cartoon shows from the 1980s gained any kind of following because, after all, today’s hipsters were more concerned with looking cool when they were kids and generally found the other kids that watched cartoons to be philistines.
You’d think belts would be a great way to accessorize, but you’d be wrong. Mainly belts act as another way for hipsters to gain attention and admiration from their peer group. The more flashy the belt, the more adoration the hipster garners. Also, I’ll bet you thought that spiked belts were worn by goths and that rhinestone belts were for middle school girls. Nope! Those were the hipsters. You must not have been cool enough to notice.
Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star sneakers were first produced in 1917. However, very few people purchased the shoes and Converse went largely unnoticed for three-quarters of a century, until the year 1994. That year marked the first year that a hipster wore a pair of Chuck Taylors. Due to a resultant explosion in the sneakers’ popularity and despite absolutely no connection with any kind of organized sport, Nike purchased Converse in 2003.
There you have it. Now you know exactly why you should be dressing like a hipster: because if you do, some pretentious asshole may just write a vague article or start a stupid meme blog about you.